The Southern Girl's Guide

A conversation about men, marriage, manners and mothers-in-law... and anything else that matters in the world - especially the South.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

On the Way to My Wedding....

Check out this story from Auckland, New Zealand (my sister's home, along with her Kiwi husband). It's a very inspiring story of 'bridal justice in action':


Woman in Wedding Gown Chases Drunk Driver

AUCKLAND, New Zealand, Feb. 5 (UPI) -- An Auckland, New Zealand, bride in her wedding gown chased a drunk driver when he attempted to flee the scene of a collision on foot, a report said.

Rhiannon Mabbett said she and her new husband, Jeff, were being driven to a hotel in a friend's car when another vehicle rear-ended them at a traffic light, The Dominion Post reported Tuesday.

"We pulled around the corner, and my mate (the driver) got out of the car and asked the guy where his license was," she said. "The guy was too drunk, and all he could really say was, `I'm a criminal, I'll pay you now."'

She said the man tried to drive off as she phoned the police."He tried to drive forward -- and ran over my wedding dress, the prat," Mabbett said.

She said the drunken driver started fleeing on foot, and she pursued him while still wearing her full wedding gown. "He decided to walk off. The cops told me to follow him, so I followed him. And then he started running, so I started running after him in my wedding dress, up the street," she said.

Mabbett followed the man to a dark alley, where police arrested him. The man was charged with driving while under the influence of alcohol and driving while disqualified.

Hey, somebody really should have told that guy...NEVER MESS WITH A WOMAN'S WEDDING DRESS!!!!

Am I right? Go, brides!

With Southern love,
Annabelle
http://www.southerngirlsguide.com/

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

A Valentine's Love Letter

This one, I could not resist posting (with a little editing)....


To my darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip, I wanted to let you know about the tiny accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately, it wasn't too bad, and I didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. Coming home from Wal-Mart, when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent, but fortunately, the truck came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know that with your kind-hearted personality, you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.
Here is a picture of the accident.
XXXOOO,
Your loving wife



P.S. Your girlfriend called.


Here's wishing everyone a (much) better Valentine's Day than this sassy Southern Girl!
With Southern love,
Annabelle





Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Pamela Anderson to Divorce...Again

In a startling turn of events, Pamela Anderson (seen here doing a Britney while he grabs his crotch) has filed for divorce from her third husband.

Shocking but true, the two porn stars are at odds with one another, only two months after their October 6 quickie wedding in Vegas. Recent reports say that they are "trying to work things out."
Anderson, who has two children from first husband, Motley Krue drummer Tommy Lee, once starred in a sex tape made with Lee, which was widely circulated on the Internet. She married her second husband, singer Kid Rock, no less than four times before they divorced. Anderson then fell in love with Vegas magician Hans Klok, after she became part of his act.

But before the 40-year-old could walk down that little aisle in a bikini, she met Rick "I also made a sex tape" Salomon. Twice divorced (from actresses Shannon Doherty and Elizabeth Daily), Salomon, 38, is now a professional poker player. Not to be outdone, his sexual antics with Paris Hilton made the Internet rounds awhile back.

Apparently, what happens in Vegas does indeed stay in Vegas, however. When Anderson was unable to pay off her gambling debts, white knight Salomon stepped in.
"I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors, and I fell in love," she said. "It's so romantic."

Oh, yes. Truly.

Forget walking in the rain, snuggling by the fire, kissing on the sun-drenched sands of Antigua, honey. Forget flying cross country to surprise the one you love. Forget Paris. Because, when it comes to romance, my dream is to prostitute myself and fall in love with my john.

How about you?

With Southern love,
Annabelle

Monday, December 17, 2007

Sorry, Luv. You Can't Get Married. Try Again Next Week

Anne Campbell, 37, and Sam Gilford, 34, were in love. So after a wonderful courtship,they got engaged. The pair dreamed of a destination wedding. So they set the date for November 15 and booked their ceremony in Mexico, using a travel agent from England, where the pair lives.

Anne bought a dress and spent hours preparing for the event. They invited friends and family, who all bought tickets to come. And then, finally, the moment arrived. Anne and Sam flew to that destination -- the Riu Yucatan Hotel in Playacar, Cancun -- to prepare for their dream wedding.

Soon after arrival, however, and but what to their wondering eyes should appear, but a hotel employee, informing the happy couple that the hotel had NO RECORD WHATSOEVER of any wedding plans for them. Worse, the hotel could not accommodate them on that day. They were booked by other couples.

They suggested another day -- then another. But, hello! Family and friends were scheduled to arrive (and had booked flights for) November 15. So after Anne watched several other couples getting hitched, she spent the day in her hotel room, crying her little English eyes out. Then she and her fiance finally flew home...where they had to cancel ANOTHER ceremony -- the very large wedding reception that had been planned for their return.

It turned out that the travel agency was to blame. A "miscommunication" problem, they said (with, no doubt, the most British of accents and restraint). Then, the oh-so-generous company reimbursed the couple...for half of the $11,600 they had paid for the trip and wedding. Yes, indeedy. HALF.

Now, women of the jury, I ask you:
Is this not the most hissy-fit-warranting situation you have EVER heard of IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE? And just imagine...the poor girl is ENGLISH. Which means that instead of venting, she had to stuff it all down. Bless her little heart.
Just witness their picture. See how much better it is to get these things out into the open? We Southern Girls KNOW, I tell you. We really do.
With Southern love,
Annabelle


Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Christmas Survey

I just got one of those email questionnaires, so for fun, I thought I'd post it here. Hope everyone is enjoying all the shopping and wrapping...and finding at least a little time to eat gingerbread!

By the way, does anybody know when "The Grinch" is coming on TV? What about "Charlie Brown Christmas?"

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper.

2. Real tree or artificial? Fake, ever since my husband used wirecutters one year to cut off all the lights, after we argued about how he was putting them on. Rather than continuing with WWIII every year, I finally bought a fake, pre-lit one. Best decision I've ever made in my life. I miss the smell, but I burn pine-scented aromatherapy oil and candles around the tree, for effect. And aren't you glad you asked?!

3. When do you put up the tree? The Saturday after Thanksgiving

4. When do you take the tree down? Usually sometime before my birthday…which is in April

5. Do you like eggnog? The raw eggs kinda creep me out…but I'm game for a taste.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? The year my aunt Nancy got me every single thing on my wish list (Jimmy Buffet's "Volcano," a pair of square hammered metal earrings…among other things)

7. Hardest person to buy for? My aunt Nancy! (And the mother-in-law)

8. Easiest person to buy for? My kids

9. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A 6 ft. x 3 ft. fake "million dollar bill," complete with cliches like "Your ship has come in," all painted on white felt – to use as a tablecloth? To hang? (We did, just for fun).

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Used to be mail…this year, probably email.

11. Favorite Christmas Movie? "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"

12. When do you start shopping for Christmas? The day after Christmas

13. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Probably. (Mother Brain strikes again.)

14. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Starbucks Gingerbread cake…with a non-fat latte.

15. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear – lots of them

16. Favorite Christmas song? "O Holy Night." Do I dare to sing this one year in church???

17. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay home…I did WAY too much travel as a kid, back and forth between the parents

18. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Comet, Cupid, Dancer and Vixen, Prancer, Donner, Blixen…I'm missing one (and it isn't Rudolph). Droopy?!!!

19. Angel on the tree top or a star? Ummmm…..I think we lost the star we used to have…it's bare this year. (Mark decorated - I stayed away!)

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas morning, with sweet rolls and tea.

21. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Christmas cards with only my friends' kids. I want to see the whole family!!!

22. What I love most about Christmas? Newsletters from friends

With Southern love, y'all!
Annabelle

Thanksgiving Aftermath

Okay, y'all.

I am not promising to be witty here - only to touch base, which I have been sorely remiss in doing lately. Kinda like that really big website where I promised 'em I would blog "at least once a week." (I blog here the same as there - same blog posts, and y'all know how often THAT is.)
Ahem.

I have been busy. Crazy busy. Lots of assignments for Crosswalk, including trips to L.A. to interview Steve Carell of "Dan in Real Life" (great film!!!) and the cast and crew of "Enchanted" (ditto!!!), which included Patrick Dempsey(yes, I know, I know - and he WAS adorable...just way more petite than I expected, although I don't know WHY I am surprised at this, because they ALL are, out here). But I'm biased. I like tall men.

So that's been fun but it's kept me busy, along with all my usual assignments.

I'm also writing a very long story for WebMD about lead poisoning in toys - you know, what should parents do about all the toys that have NOT been recalled but which could, any day now (I'll post the link, once it's up). I've had a great time but that story has kicked my butt good, honey. I feel like I've interviewed everyone but the president and I definitely haven't slept much since I started working on it two weeks ago. There is a LOT of stuff people need to know, that's all I'll say. That, and I went and got my baby IMMEDIATELY tested for blood lead levels (which were normal, praise God). The stories I heard from those mothers, y'all...it's enough to break your heart. I cried when I interviewed them, I kid you not. And now I'm on a mission to tell the world about lead poisoning. One of many, of course. Never a dull moment around here.

Well, I hope everyone had a fabulous Thanksgiving and gave thanks to the good Lord for all the things he's given us, big and small. Mine start and end with my precious girls, who are so cute I positively cannot stand it. (Not that I'm biased or anything, mind you.) We had a great dinner with awesome friends and for once, the cooking didn't take me all day. I think I'm finally getting the hang of this thing, after so many years of doing this meal (for those of you who think this means I am old, please note that I started cooking Thanksgiving dinner young, young, young - right out of the crib).

We had all my usual dishes, like Grand Marnier Stuffing (I don't care how Southern you are, this blows AWAY the cornbread stuff), creamed corn with a roux base (learned at the New Orleans Cooking School) and Paula Deen's Gooey Pumpkin Butter Cakes. You eat one of those, honey, and I promise you will never go near regular pumpkin pie again. My child just BEGS me for them every day now.

I know, I know. I should have made a pecan pie. What's a Southern Girl Thanksgiving without one, after all? But y'all, pecans (which I pronounce PEE-cans, by the way, in case anybody's wondering) are just not readily available out here. I mean, yes, they exist, but not in large bags like you get going up and down I-95 on your way back from Florida. (Can anyone say Stuckey's?) And when you do find 'em, they're about $40 an ounce.

So what did I do? Well, I went and reserved me an ice cream pie. Yes, indeedy. I saw the sign at this mini-franchise out of Santa Barbara called McConnell's (don't even THINK about comparing Ben & Jerry's to this stuff, honey...we're talking ALL NATURAL ingredients and the best ice cream I've ever put in my mouth, including the stuff from Italy, which I actually tasted in Italy a few times). And, wowed by the thought of this piece de resistence on my Thanksgiving table, right next to the pilgrim and the Indian (oops...I mean Native American), I caved in and ordered one for the bargain basement price of $15.

Holy cow, was it worth it. Coffee flavored, which I've become strangely enamored with of late, and a graham cracker crust. (Some of y'all know that I never drank coffee until my second child was born and my publisher wanted my book finished lickity split. After years of avoiding the stuff, I drove straight to Starbuck's, got myself addicted and have never once looked back. Kind of like leaving Fayetteville, NC. Can you relate?) Now I just have to figure out how to disguise all those lattes in the monthly budget. Shhhhh...it's easier than the time I had to sneak four Civil War-era chairs I'd just bought from a roadside antique store in SC into the back of our van, with Mark snoring away up front. (But that's another story.)

Actually, the coffee business is too. But what's a Southern tale without a few digressions, right y'all?

Long story short (although it never is with me, so y'all just get used to it), instead of pecan pie, we had coffee ice cream pie this year, and not a soul complained. Shocking, isn't it? Naturally we ate way too much of everything, and I didn't even think about my diet OR my trainer the entire day or the next. Of course, I also felt like crap (pardon my French) for two days afterward, which just goes to show you how bad that much food is for you, thanking the good Lord notwithstanding.

Did I tell y'all I've been working out with a trainer? Honey, I used to think that was a luxury for the rich and famous, but I am here to tell you right now that this is what I've been missing in life. Honestly. It's amazing to finally decide to take care of myself, for the first time in about a hundred years, and y'all really do need to try it. Someday I'll tell you how much weight I've lost since my baby was born and maybe, just maybe -- if I get liquored up enough -- even post a few "Before" and "After" pictures.

Ah...come to think of it, maybe not.

But I'd certainly be happy to tell y'all how I did it, and it wasn't the exercise.

Honestly. That's important, but it mostly came later -- like the trainer (although she did give me a great diet and a lot of advice during that time -- only it was completely free, bless her size-four sweet little healthy heart.) In fact, I'm thinking about holding some kind of teleseminar, since so many people have asked me to tell them how I did this thing. It's in the works...kinda like my blogs. Ahem.

Well, that's enough of the exercise talk. 'Hope I didn't make anyone feel awful. (And if it makes you feel any better, I haven't worked out in days.)

Good catchin' up, y'all. I've missed you, despite my absence. (And so much for a short post.)

With Southern love,
Annabelle

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Remembrance of Things Past


As the plane took off from Santa Barbara, California, I danced a little jig and mouthed the chorus to the Go-Go's’ “Vacation,” munching on my pre-packaged breakfast of Kashi. Oh, it was going to be fun!
Sure, I was going for work. But it was Labor Day -- and Mark had the kids for this lovely long weekend. Yeah, baby! And even though that 80s pop song was serving as a sobering reminder of my age and my teenage years – both of which I sincerely prefer to forget – I couldn’t help but be excited. I was going to the Decatur Book Festival in Atlanta, Georgia.
I was going home.
Since my oh-so-literary opus, The Southern Girl’s Guide, hit bookstores in early January, I’ve had the privilege of speaking at several book festivals around the South. With their requisite author hobnobbing, these events are always a blast. Think great minds, great books, great conversation and great booze…er, food. But this weekend was sure to surpass them all.
It most definitely did.
Located a few miles from downtown Atlanta, Decatur calls itself “Mayberry with a Kick,” and it’s one of the best kept secrets in the South. Mother was a majorette at Decatur High, the same class as Roy Blount (1959 – sorry, Mama), another author at this year’s festival (albeit one far more renowned than little old moi). Roy remembers Mother’s legs, which were and are still fabulous, as she pranced around the football team. Go, Decatur bulldogs! My uncle Charlie once burned down the woods behind the family home on Inman Drive. Go, Decatur firefighters!
So maybe genetic predisposition had something to do with it, but as soon as Mark and I hit town ten years ago, we fell in love with Decatur’s historic architecture, art-infused culture and small-town-inside-the-big-city charm. I’d be there still, in fact, reporting on everything from the county CEO (think Ray Nagin without the hurricane) to the latest band at Eddie’s Attic (launching pad of more than a few famous musicians).

If only the Air Force hadn’t seen fit to move us to California. Away from everything that I know and love. While I was pregnant. Just weeks after my Daddy had died.
But, as my friend Dottie Benton Frank said, when I complained about the officer housing on base, which boasts mold and walls so thin you can hear the neighbors going potty, “That’s why they call it ‘the service,’ honey. Nobody said it would be fun.”
Ain’t that the truth.
After settling into my hotel on the Decatur Square, I donned a pair of shorts and headed for my favorite sushi place. They were, to my horror, completely out of sweet tea. People, people, people!

Upon hearing my tale of woe, however (stuck in California, no sweet tea to be found, no real tea, even – except at Taco Bell, so God bless the Mexicans), they made more. I waited. Then I drank the equivalent of a Big Gulp in liquid gold.

Oh, blessed assurance, Jesus is mine.
Too bad that in my zeal to embark upon Proustian memories, I completely forgot the effect of imbibing sugar and caffeine at 10 o’clock in the evening. No doubt, I garnered more than a few glances as I worked that hotel treadmill at 1 a.m.
The next day, with 70,000 other attendees, I listened to fabulous lectures and concerts, ran my mouth in the author hospitality suite and generally had a ball, as my grandmother likes to say. It was, to say the least, wonderful to be back – especially with the kind of talent that festival organizers Daren Wang and Tom Bell had rounded up this year. You can check out the complete list here, but for today, I’ll focus on just one.
His name is Chris Rose, he’s a columnist with the “New Orleans Times-Picayune” and his first book, “1 Dead in Attic,” received tremendous national coverage after its recent release, which was timed to coincide with the two-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.
The Gulf Coast. New Orleans. Katrina… Remember?
I met Rose at The Brickhouse Pub, where I was sipping on a Cosmo and eating my turkey burger, quietly minding my own business. Okay, so I was talking to everyone in sight. Sue me.

Eventually my girlfriend Dawn and I moved to Rose's table, along with an Oregonian transplant named Jane -- clearly a masochist. And I think it’s safe to say that, along with everyone sitting near us, we had a howling good time.
There’s nothing funny about Rose’s book, however, which I read after listening to his lecture the following day. With heartrending truthfulness, he chronicles the aftermath of Katrina on himself and all the residents of the once-beautiful New Orleans. He’s a brilliant writer (he won the Pulitzer for his columns, which form the backbone of the book). And he nimbly engages in the kind of soul-searching honesty that most writers aspire to, yet rarely achieve – no doubt because of fear.
Unlike most, Rose conquered that fear and dared to recount not just the things he saw, but the things he felt. The dedication alone is enough to make you cry:
This book is dedicated to Thomas Coleman, a retired longshoreman, who died in his attic at 2214 St. Roch Avenue in New Orleans’ 8th Ward on or about August 29, 2005. He had a can of juice and a bedspread at his side when the waters rose.
Rose did something for me last weekend. Sure, he aided and abetted my vacation by buying two more Cosmopolitans (which, at $9 a pop, the Brickstore Pub is clearly discouraging). But, he also reminded me that New Orleans continues to be devastated by Katrina – a fact that has been casually overlooked by all the Britney-filled headlines.
In many ways, Rose said, the situation is even harder now than it was after the storm. Residents spend their days wrangling with reluctant insurance companies. Trash still fills the city, jobs are in short supply and crime has surpassed every city in the country. Even stoplights can be a roll of the dice.
And then there’s the post-traumatic stress disorder, a epidemic of mass proportions which threw Rose into a dark depression and has caused hundreds to commit suicide. Children as young as six are actually cutting themselves, in a desperate bid to ease the emotional pain. Unfortunately, with 80 percent of New Orleans’ mental health professionals gone from the city, this is no easy problem to solve.
Despite the lack of media interest, I should have been far more aware of Katrina's fallout. After all, our 1998 move to Atlanta was prompted by the inner city, where we spent years serving the homeless. Housing crack addicts and ex-cons, diapering dirty babies, feeding hungry first-graders – this was my mission, while my chaplain-husband worked the emergency room of Grady Hospital, dealing with the most horrifying heartbreaks and traumas.
As hard as it all was, I loved every minute. In fact, I often look back on that time when I couldn’t buy dinner and had to write in 98-degree heat with no air-conditioning as one of the best in my life. Life’s funny that way, isn’t it? '
Of course, Decatur has never been submerged under water, either. And no one has ever written “1 Dead in Attic” on my house, while thousands wait to be rescued in the sweltering heat without any food or water, for days on end.
In the past 30 months, I’ve faced the death of my father and mother-in-law; a high-risk pregnancy; a cross-country move that ripped me from family, friends, my home, my job and my beloved South. I became a military wife – something I would never have imagined. I also became a single mother during my husband’s five-month deployment to the Middle East and multiple separations. And, I’m still adjusting to a culture that makes the Bronx for a South Carolinian easy by comparison.

(Just trust me when I say that there’s a reason they call California “the land of fruits and nuts.")

When Katrina hit, I was weeks from giving birth and stuck at home with our toddler during Mark's 16-hour work days, wondering how I would ever finish the book that had just sold at auction to the highest bidder. But still, it took everything I had not to grab the kid, pack the minivan, empty our savings account and head to New Orleans to hand out water, food, clothes, encouragement, a prayer. Anything.
Meeting Chris Rose made me realize I should have.
I didn’t forget about New Orleans during the last two years, as life was churning up its usual malestrom of worries and woes. But I haven’t really remembered, either.
How about you?

Annabelle Robertson is an award-winning journalist and author. Her book, The Southern Girl’s Guide to Surviving the Newlywed Years: How to Stay Sane Once You’ve Caught Your Man, won the 2006 USA Best Books Award for humor. Visit her at http://www.southerngirlsguide.com/, where you can download the first chapter.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Wedding Insurance: Hedging Your Bet

Hey, y'all!

Worried about the spiraling cost of your wedding? I understand. With the average one these days topping $30,000, anyone would be. But what if you were to get stuck with that kind of price tag...and no wedding at all?

Just last night, after my nanny and 20 some-odd friends had all booked their plane tickets to Vancouver, B.C. for a friend's wedding, they received an email informing them that it had been cancelled. No further explanation from the groom -- just an apology with a request to pray for them.

Naturally, everyone was devastated. After all, the couple had been dating for six years. But what should they do about all those nonrefundable tickets?

Of course, this dilemma pales compared to the many complex ones faced by the would-be bride and groom. As one former bride commented about her cancellation, which took place two months prior to the happy event, "You can't imagine how much work is involved."

No, honey, I can't. Nor can I imagine the emotional heartbreak -- or the cost, which could have longer ramifications than the break-up.

So what's a bride to do? (Besides cry her eyes out ... and hope Daddy doesn't get too mad...)

According to financial expert Marshall Loeb of MoneyWatch, brides may want to consider purchasing wedding insurance, which is now available for a wide range of situations, should things go awry on or before their special day.

"You can buy policies that cover nonrefundable deposits if you have to cancel your wedding due a death in the family or a natural disaster like a flood, fire or hurricane," Loeb says. "Others reimburse you if your spouse is in the military and is unexpectedly deployed; and still others cover the expense of restaging wedding photos or replacing a lost or damaged wedding dress.

"There's even a policy that covers cold feet, so parents no longer have to pay the price for a child's last minute change of heart."

According to MSNBC, the price for hedging your wedding bets starts at a few hundred dollars and goes all the way up to $1,000, depending on coverage you and location. And, while that might seem like just one more bill to add to the growing pile, if you consider the potential savings, it could easily be worthwhile.

Hey, just one more thing to keep you brides busy...in case you don't know how to use those few spare seconds you might have in those already over-packed days, right?

Well, here's wishing that you NEVER EVER need wedding insurance, whether you buy it or not. So hang in there, y'all!

With Southern love,

Annabelle
www.SouthernGirlsGuide.com